I got to be honest. I almost gave up. I was about to let it expire—in fact I did let it expire.
I lost my voice. I lost my creativity. I lost my desire. I just couldn't do it anymore. I told myself what's the point.
It wasn't because I disliked blogging. I love blogging. It's just the past three and a half years I felt like I couldn't be myself. I couldn't express how I felt about things. I felt like I had to be guarded—like chains were binding my words up tight.
Then I got an email from my webhosting provider reminding me my website was expired and if I didn't take action I'd loose all the content on my blog—12 years worth of my life.
So I figured I needed to at least see if I could rescue some of the content. At least the photos—at the very least. But I couldn' t access my blog because I had let it expire. So I paid the minimal fee just to get the content I wanted and then I'd let the blog dissappear into internet oblivion.
But when I started reading my thoughts—what I had put down on the keyboard... OMG. I was like—this is me! I found my voice. I found my creativity. I found my desire. I found me.
It's almost like therapy.
It was so freeing. So much has changed—I have changed. Everything is different, yet the same. The shackles are gone, if they ever existed—at least in my mind they did. Nothing is holding back my voice, my thoughts.
It's been a weird season. I was hiding, because I did not like who I had become or what I was becoming. I was hiding under the guise of a mask I felt needed to be there. What I thought people wanted. what I thought they needed. what I thought I needed. I don't even know who told me to do this. Maybe no one. Maybe everyone. Being in paid ministry can do that to a person—sometimes the voices are real and sometimes they're in our heads.
But when I went to my blog...
Something happened inside my heart. I began missing this space.
The memories came flooding back. The REASON I began writing in the first place was because it was for me—it was like therapy.
Words begin to flow right out on to the keyboard. Words and emotions come out in a way that doesn't happen on social media. Sure it might happen in quick jerky 140 character quips which feel good for a minute.
But a full 500 word blog post of pure thought—man it feels satisfying, no it's fulfilling.
This blog is my little corner of the internet. This is my space to feel, to express, to explain, to BE... I found my voice. I found my creativity. I found my desire.
Holy crap it feels so good to type on a keyboard again.
I didn't think anyone cared about my thoughts, my voice, my blog. But sure enough when I accessed the email that goes with this blog—which I hadn't checked in about a year—I found some of you were asking when I was going blog again. I even got some new subscribers while I was away hiding.
I have somethings I need to say. It's time for some therapy.
I am almost done working the cramps out of my fingures and the rust off my voice.
The blog posts will be coming.